So much.

Why do we go through so much every day? Yesterday, I wanted to cry so hard. Yesterday, my heart felt so confused. I really didnt know what to do. After that, I didnt know if I would be able to look at you without crying. Cause it hurt. So much. And it was so much of an impact, that neither of us can ignore it. Nobody can erase it. What is done, is done. But at the same time, I couldnt just let you go. I couldnt just let that overpower everything else thats so amazing about you. I was scared, well .. Im still scared and I admitted it to you. But I dont know, I just cant seem to want to give up on you just because of that. Yeah, its huge. But I want to overcome it, with you. I want to help you out, a lot. I dont care what people will think. I cant promise that it wont bring me down. It probably will, but those things will only make me stronger. What those people will say will only make me want to spend more time with you & become a better person with you. I want to help you change. I want to help you grow in your faith in God. I want to offer up whatever He intends for the both of us to God. I want us to rely on God for everything. If we get together, I want to know that God is the one that brought us together. I want us to be close, but I want God in the middle. I want God to take part in our lives, forever. And I know you do too. So yes, lets take it slow.

Interesting.

A lot of things happened yesterday. But overall, I had fun. :D It was Fr. Sal's Farewell Mass. Its a bittersweet kind of thing, you know? We're going to miss him and all, but at the same time we should be happy. Because he is getting the opportunity to reach out & open the hearts of people elsewhere. He is getting the chance to tell other people of God's love. He is pouring out blessings to a new parish, a new community. But I surely will miss him. He has made such an impact on my life, even his laugh. :] The only awkward thing that happened during mass was Uncle Edgar. OMG, hahaha. When Auntie Tes came over to sit in our row, we had to like .. squeeze in together because they didnt have anymore open seats. Then, Uncle Edgar saw us. So he says, "Ria." & I was thinking, "Oh man, oh man, oh man. Michael, help me!" Hahaha. And Uncle Edgar moves over one seat & tells me to sit next to FM. I mean, its not like I dont like FM .. it was just really weird. Hahaha. I told you, Camille & Michael. I wasnt just .. seeing things. Anyways, after mass we had a picnic, I guess you could say. It was sad how they ran out of food. D: So I decided to start sharing with JC and Rachel. That was pretty funny. Hahaha. "Food is food." :D Then we sang. I had so much fun singing knowing that I was offering my voice for Fr. Sal. It always feels good to sing with the youth when I know Im offering our songs to the Lord. Always. <3 Buuuuut, Im sorry for being to close to the mic. The video is probably terrible because I was so loud. >.< Sorry, guys. Then afterwards, me & Camille & JC basically hung out in the audience. That was like, the first time we ever hung out, I believe. Hahaha. We all had a good time. & it was funny how me and Camille would get mad at JC, but then JC and Camille would make me mad & I would try not to laugh, but WHATEVER. xD Hahaha. And I feel like the Korean lady was starting to get annoyed when she couldnt hear JC's question. Too bad she said that I have aegyo, and not him. After Fr. Sal's thing, AMP43 went over to my house to practice while Tine, MG, and Kuya went over to Elaine's practice. Paola and I really wanted to go. -_- Gosh. Oh well .. At least we got to watch iCarly & Camille play on the box! HAHAHA.

"So who's going to play the box during She was Mine?"
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"
Everyone else says, "NO!"
HAHAHA. That was so funny. I like you, Camille. Youre ridonkulous. xD

And about you. I knew you were different compared to the rest of them. I hope you stay. I hope you dont grow impatient too easily. Cause theres so much about you I'd still like to discover. Youve already proved yourself to me, and I want you to know that. Im not ready yet, though .. and you shouldnt be either. Time really is the best thing for us now, huh? Hate to say this, but we found the right love at the wrong time. We'll just have to wait.

You: You are more than Ria to me. Ria, I actually like you, a lot. Hahahaha. I'm sorry. D=
Me: Really? I just feel like you fell for me at the wrong time. You know?
You: Yeah. Hahahaha. But there's always time, right?
Me: So if there's time, you can for wait me until I'm ready, right?
You: Of course I can, babe =] Cause I need time too. Hahaha.
Me: Aww. That's good to know. Because most guys in my past would want me to be ready right away. And usually, if I'm not ready, they just give up on me.
You: Well, I'm not gonna give up on you. You are gonna be worth my time. =] I just hope I can be. Hahahaha.
Me: Knowing that you're not like other guys and that you'd actually wait for me makes me glad to have known you bettter. And maybe in time, when I'm ready, you'll be worth my time as well. :]

Quick question.

Why are we even doing this?

Pretty fun.

Me & Kirby stickamed again .. haha. Until like, 3 something this time though. It was soooo funny. xD we were showing each other old pictures of ourselves. HAHAH. I won the ugly contest that time. One of my pictures were soo gross, but then Kirby was like .. "Awww. That was actually kinda cute." SERIOUSLY? It wasnt. Haha. Then Kirby woke me up at 9am cause I told him that I was scared I might not wake up in time. So he called me, but then when I answered .. he didnt say anything cause his eye was about to explode. :[ So I hung up. Haha. Then we started texting, but he fell asleep. And I was at Ro & Nikki's house anyways with MHCC for Fr. Sal. :D We had an amazing breakfast. Except my cupcakes got burnt! But the middle was deliciously soft. MHCC is so much fun. Those kids are ridonkulous. x] Hahaha. Especially Mo & Mary. Then Ro dropped me off at home in her 5-passenger car with Nikki, Mo, Nathan, Justin, and Kuya Rayneil. It was sooooo hot. Then we went to Auntie Coring's old house with Matthew & Auntie. Then we went to S&K office place to clean. MATTHEW IS SO FUNNY. Gosh, he is so cute too. My favorite. <3 Then we went to the commissary & I found out that Michael Jackson died & Kirby freaked out. And I saw Julian Taruc's kuya .. but he didnt know me. Then we went to Aunties house, then home. Confession: Kirby & I have been texting all day. He just texted me right now, actually. Oh btw, word gets around real quickly, huh?

"Since a pretty girl is depending on me, I must do everything in my power to save her =]"

Aside from all of that.

Another good day for me, I believe. :D Another all-nighter on stickam with Kirby, that is. Hahaha. But we didnt stay up as late/early. I think we fell asleep before 6:30am? But anyways .. I ran a few errands with Mommy. It was aiiight. But I finally got a Strawberry Colada Fruitista from Taco Bell! Ive been waiting to get one .. since they came out. Haha. And while mommy & I were grocery shopping, she got annoyed how I was texting like the whole time. D: HAHA. Sorry. xP Then we ate dinner at home & went to Resurrection for Pyc practice. Pretty fun, I guess. At least we practiced finally .. but we still have a lot to do for induction. >.< Then afterwards, AMP43 went to McDonalds. Freakin took so long when all we ordered were stuff from the Dollar Menu. Then like 20 minutes after waiting .. the lady goes, "Would you like something else besides a sweet tea? Or do you want to wait?" And we asked how long we had to wait. And she says, "I cant really tell you." LAME. Haha, gosh. xD Then we went to Camille & Christine's house and FINALLY started preparing ourselves for upcoming AMP43 performances on July 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. Im so excited. :] Our outfits sound like they are going to look amazing, & I love all of our song choices. Wooohooooo. Haha. Fansigns anyone? ;D

Watch out for AMP43. <3
July 2: SUMMER SYMPOSIUM @ Virginia Wesleyan.
July 3: Not really AMP43 .. but PYC. haha. SYMPOSIUM again.
July 4: Fil-am @ Red Wing. & Elaine Deguzman's Debut.

Oh man, Im stokeddd. :D I know we're really procrastinating .. But AMP43, we got this. :]

Forgive me.

I admit it. The things you say to me make me blush. Your compliments make me smile. But I dont want to get into anything like this right now. I dont want to let my heart get to me. Please, dont let me fall for you. Not now. But I totally understand what you are going through. Although, I am here to help you .. I wish I didnt have to watch you in this situation & not know what to do or say. Tell me if Im guilty for smiling at the things he says.

"Oh yeah! Of course, I always wanna talk to Ria =]"
"Ria, you know you're pretty! So pretty, that you give the sun a reason to shine =D"
"Ria, youre beautiful. Especially when you laugh"

[00:17] but everything I called you, and complimented you on
[00:17] I really did mean it
[00:17] I always felt that way
[00:18] if we get anything out of this predicament
[00:18] it is your feelings
[00:18] you should always be happy
[00:18] and know that you are prettya
[00:18] and special
[00:18] even though I messed up, and I am truly sorry for
[00:18] just hold onto those, please.

Oh, what a day. :D

This was probably the best day of my summer so far, in the most unproductive way possible. :] Hahaha. Anyways, last night I was on stickam with Marlon, Kirby, Bomban, Ronnie, Isiah, Nghia, and everyone else at Nghias place from time to time. Oh and Elaine came later on. IT WAS FUN. :D So we played a contest to see who could stay up the longest. & Marlon was hosting, but then he got off unexpectedly. So I got sad.. but luckily Kirby texted me & he went live! So it was just me, Kirby, and Bomban. Nghia doesnt count cause he was disqualified. ;D Then I fell asleep for like 3-4 minutes. x] But I wasnt disqualified.. go me! hahaha. So the sun was already rising, it was like 5 something in the morning. And Nghia fell asleep again so Isiah came on. At about 7ish .. we "finished" our game with Kirby at first, Bomban at second, and me at third. So we told Bomban to go to sleep .. just in case his dad came in. Then me and Kirby got to talk. It was fun, we were actually open to each other [in a suprising kind of way]. He told me that he had a crush on me earlier in the year and that out of all the freshmen, he thought I was pretty. That made me smile. Then later he would talk about how cool I am and how pretty he thought I was. >.< Probably the most surprising thing he said was, "Is it bad that I have Erica, but every time I see you, my heart races?" AH. I got super super kilig. And he asked if I felt awkward after he said that, but I really didnt so I said it was all goood. I told him that it was cute to me, but complicated for us. So yeah. I had like the best all nighter yet. We fell asleep around 830am, but we stayed on stickam. The rest came on later and watched me & Kirby sleep. Haha.

PS: Kirby, Bomban, and I were on stickam for 18 hours. New record! xD

Then we went to Kapamilya around 730 to meet up with MHCC. <3 Im so glad we went. Michael & Paola had fun too. We all did. :D PSYCHIATRIST! Hahaha. Probably one of the coolest yet frustrating ice breaker games out there. I wanna play again with people who dont know how to play. And now Im excited to ghetto-fy Rach & Nate with Michael. :D Hopefully we get to go on Thursday after we practice for Father Sal. Cant wait! :]

Oh yeah.

Highlight of my day yesterday:
Sr. Michelle! <3
And Nate and Rach. :]

The truth, I believe.

So Nghia talked to him yesterday and got the truth from JC.

10:06:01 PM): hey
(10:06:07 PM): jc
(10:06:37 PM): hey nghia
(10:06:53 PM): real talk
(10:07:01 PM): alright
(10:07:09 PM): so i talked to a couple people
(10:07:18 PM): and i found out what happened
(10:07:21 PM): and what you told ria
(10:07:24 PM): was a dick move
(10:07:30 PM): not even kidding dude
(10:07:49 PM): what?
(10:08:00 PM): you told her you were just using her as back up
(10:08:14 PM): i told her that
(10:08:16 PM): because
(10:08:19 PM): she won't believe anything else
(10:08:27 PM): anything else ?
(10:08:29 PM): yeah
(10:08:32 PM): i told her a lot more
(10:08:33 PM): like that ?
(10:08:34 PM): like the TRUTH
(10:08:39 PM): but she won't take it
(10:08:44 PM): she keeps saying that i'm lying
(10:08:49 PM): so i just told her what she wanted to hear
(10:08:50 PM): what is the 'truth' ?
(10:08:57 PM): that i liked Sarah
(10:09:01 PM): and i was just being nice to Ria
(10:09:05 PM): i'm nice to a lot of girls
(10:09:09 PM): and then all of sudden
(10:09:10 PM): she likes me
(10:09:12 PM): and idk
(10:09:21 PM): so i just told her what she wanted to hear
(10:10:29 PM): so really after you started liking sarah
(10:10:33 PM): you didnt like ria any more ?
(10:11:06 PM): i never liked Ria
(10:11:07 PM): wtf
(10:11:15 PM): wtf
(10:11:16 PM): i always liked Sarah
(10:11:19 PM): mann
(10:11:22 PM): f everyone
(10:11:25 PM): what about that time that you told everyone about ira ?
(10:11:30 PM): ria
(10:12:01 PM): what about it?
(10:12:04 PM): i just said that she was cool
(10:12:05 PM): and interesting
(10:12:08 PM): and how you cant choose between her and sarah ?
(10:12:46 PM): because
(10:12:47 PM): like
(10:12:50 PM): i liked Sarah a lot
(10:12:58 PM): and i didn't know that she liked me back
(10:13:00 PM): and with Ria
(10:13:02 PM): she liked me
(10:13:07 PM): and id idn't want to just turn her down
(10:13:11 PM): that's why i couldn't choose
(10:14:10 PM): you got messed up by everyone dude
(10:14:19 PM): because they only know bits and pieces
(10:14:33 PM): and then the story got mixed up
(10:14:35 PM): and what not
(10:14:49 PM): now youre hated by a lot
(10:14:52 PM): of people
(10:15:43 PM): i know
(10:15:45 PM): dammit
(10:15:48 PM): haha
(10:15:51 PM): whatever
(10:16:31 PM): i'd rather be hated though
(10:16:35 PM): if it makes everyone feel better
(10:16:41 PM): whys that ?
(10:16:55 PM): because
(10:16:58 PM): if everyone knew the truth
(10:17:06 PM): then it'd make Ria look stupid
(10:17:09 PM): and i don't want that

So I wasnt a backup to you, huh? I was just one of the girls you were being nice & friendly to. I was just one of those girls who thought a little extra from the things you did. I was vulnerable to your actions that I thought were cute & sweet. I tend to miss it though, but Ive moved ahead in this part of my life. Plus, its not that I need a certain someone to be able to hold my hand now. Ive got other special people. :] Like friends and family of course.

Anyways .. I still want to take the blame for it all. But I dont know how. I want to say sorry for all the words I bombarded you with, but Im sure sorry wont be enough for you. Just like your sorry wasnt enough for me. But from now on, I dont want to hurt you because Im disappointed in your indecisiveness and inexperience in difficult situations. As a friend, I should be pulling you up when you fall, I should be backing you up when you dont know how to defend yourself. And I dont think Im mad at you anymore. I shouldnt be. It should all be over by now. I wish I couldve taken your sorry the first time, instead of telling so many people how you hurt me, when youre the one who should be hurting more.

Real Eyes. Real Lies. Realize.

Finally, Ive been able to do all three of these aspects. I saw who you really were through my eyes. I gazed upon your eyes and saw who you were inside. I saw your pain and suffering, but I didnt help you. I didnt help you cope with it, instead I put more pressure on your shoulders. Instead, I wanted to hate you. I wanted to bring you down. And after last night/early morning .. I knew it. I knew you lied to me. And it hurts me more because you didnt see the reality of it, you didnt admit to your lies. Until last night.

[02:25] JC Gonzales: Ria
[02:25] JC Gonzales: i've been lying all this time
[02:25] JC Gonzales: i was using you as a back up

I want to cry, but I dont think its worth it. Where do these tears lead me to anyways? Nothingness. Just sorrow within myself. And I dont need that right now. But my heart hurts so much now. Because you told me that you would never lie to me. You told me that you would never want to hurt me. You told me that you would always stay truthful to me. I dont know what to say or what to do. What was real then, JC? Did I even ever get to experience the real you? Do I know someone else?

And last night, I was talking to Sr. Michelle on the phone. Until 4 am, that is. Shes always the one that opens my eyes, opens my heart, and makes me realize whats right. I realized that I messed up here too. I bombarded you. I found your flaws & I turned them against you. I dont want to hurt you anymore, Ive caused you enough pain. So last night/early morning, I realized that I wanted to work things out. That I wanted to forgive you & start over. And I realized that I feel like I should take the blame for this. I realized that maybe this whole time it was my fault. Maybe the things I did or said caused you to be that way. But Im not sure anymore after you told me that you used me. Nothing hurts me more than being used. So I probably sound so confusing as of right now, but I really am. I need time, a lot of it.

What should I do with you?

[00:15] JC Gonzales: why are you mad at me?
[00:15] JC Gonzales: i know i asked you this already
[00:15] JC Gonzales: but please remind me
[00:15] luv x3 riagracee: Telling you how I feel about you right now is just going to make you feel worse about yourself, to be honest.
[00:16] JC Gonzales: cool
[00:16] JC Gonzales: tell me
[00:16] JC Gonzales: i deserve it, right?
[00:16] luv x3 riagracee: Problem just occured. You said cool. Totally one of the lamest responses to make in this situation.
[00:17] JC Gonzales: tell me why you're mad at me
[00:18] luv x3 riagracee: And you wouldnt deserve any of this if you never got yourself into the situation.
[00:22] luv x3 riagracee: Im mad at you because I dont believe everything you tell me. I still dont understand what went through your mind & how you saw things between the two of us before. Im mad at you because of your indecisiveness & that you cant seem to find a way to fix that .. so you find sympathy for yourself. Feeling sorrow for yourself isnt going to get you anywhere. & continuously not knowing what to do & becoming dependent on others annoys me sometimes. It makes me wonder how youre ever going to get anywhere in life. And yes, everyone sugarcoats their flaws & what not .. but when Sarah said that to you, it didnt hurt you. & your lame excuse was that you are different. If thats the way it is, then I bet Sarah could be heartless & still be perfect in your eyes. You seem so lost in her perfection that she can say whatever crap she wants about you & all you can say is okay. And that disappoints me.

[00:34] JC Gonzales: then why are you mad at me for stalling, Ria?
[00:34] luv x3 riagracee: This is the second time you stalled with me & made me mad.
[00:36] JC Gonzales: i'm sorry, Ria
[00:37] JC Gonzales: why isn't sorry enough?
[00:37] JC Gonzales: i suck
[00:37] luv x3 riagracee: Because its the second time.
[00:37] luv x3 riagracee: You shouldve learned from the first.
[00:38] JC Gonzales: i don't know what to do
[00:38] JC Gonzales: i can't just say "ria i don't like you"
[00:38] JC Gonzales: that's why i stalled the first time
[00:38] luv x3 riagracee: You said that last night already.
[00:38] luv x3 riagracee: It hurts to hear it again, honestly.
[00:38] JC Gonzales: yeah i know
[00:38] JC Gonzales: gahhh
[00:38] JC Gonzales: i'm sory
[00:38] JC Gonzales: sorry*
[00:39] luv x3 riagracee: I dont know. When "Im sorry" comes for you .. those two words just arent enough for me & I dont know why.
[00:40] JC Gonzales: =/

"And I promise myself, I aint nobody's, I just wanna be free.
And I promise myself, even though it dont always come easy ..
Gonna learn from my pain, never explain, do it my way & thats whats I say."

I dont know anymore.

Theres always something, or someone, that gets caught in between us. And it seems to tear us apart, but we dont let it show. Have you realized that too? First it was Arvin .. now its JC. No, I definitely dont want this to mess things up with each other. Its not that Im trying to allow it to break us apart, but I dont know how to make it go away. I hope you understand that I didnt mean for any of this to confuse you in our friendship, if you ever thought we had one. Because I thought we did, I still believe we do. Please dont doubt me, I still have a place for you in my life, Sarah. Youre still one of those people that Im thankful for.

And I told myself yesterday that you were a waste of my time. That I shouldve moved on before and learned from it. But I let you stick around .. I let some time pass to see if this "love" would get anywhere. And I think I finally let go of you. Well .. after last night, that is. Im not hating on her, shes my friend. We're not mad at her, we're disappointed in you. Snap out of it, JC. I know you like her & that she likes you back .. but if you cant take that situation seriously, then where will you two ever get? If you let her do or say those things about you behind your back, and just let it slide .. Im sure she can get away with a lot of things with you. Please. If you continue to fall in deeper with her, dont lose yourself. Im not trying to sound rude, but dont be blinded by her "perfection." In the end, I really only have one thing to sum up how I feel .. I hope you learn from all this.

Real friends.

Yeah, I still have those special ones in the palm of my hand closest to my heart. But dang. What happened to YOU?! You ruined everything, you know that? Its cause youre so stupid & would do anything to get attention or invited into a conversation. And you just had to say that about me? WHY? I never thought you would, but you did. And to all of them? I hope they dont believe you. I hope they dont believe your lies & slanders & unacceptable opinion. Yeah, we all have mouths & we all can use them freely whenever we'd like to. But still, I dont understand why you use yours to put me down like that in front of all of them. Why did I ever tell you anything? Why did I ever sit near you, talk to you, or even associated myself with you? Go somewhere. Do something with your life, but make sure you dont come running to me when you need help. Dont come back to me asking questions, dont come back to me at all. Stay where you are .. & I'll stay where I am.

Oh, and Nghia. Thanks for having my back through all of this. Thanks for actually telling me. It disappointed me & made me a bit upset about myself .. but Im glad you dont believe her. Im glad that you seem me as someone bigger & better than that. I promise you that I wont be that person she was talking about. Maybe we really are bestfrands. :D

The pencil at my fingertips recorded the messages of my heart.

So I wrote down quite a lot inside my planner, especially from June 1st to June 9th. But its hard to put all my thoughts into words or describe their meanings on a thin piece of paper. Still, I decided I'd type them up here.

June 1:
So wasnt it supposed to happen today? why did you come to me? why did you look at me? why did you smile at me? this isnt what your plan was. you were supposed to leave me. youre supposed to be gone. Im supposed to be gone. erase me now, and dont leave any marks. You thought it would be easy to throw me away.
June 2:
I hate how you feel like I'll just be around until she decides to be open to you. Maybe someday you'll realize what its like to be me. and you think telling me the truth would destroy me? well, it would. but I'd rather you tell me than keep doing it like nothing ever happened.
June 3:
If you werent being untruthful, then what were you being? and it doesnt matter .. whether I talk to 7932 boys or zero, I dont need you to be that way. Honestly, I would never imagine you to even try to hurt me like this. I thought you said, "I would never hurt you, Ria." so what did you do? is this not supposed to hurt me? cause it does hurt, like never before.
June 4:
Okay, I admit. I did ignore you in person. I didnt want you to walk me to class today. I didnt want you to smile at me & talk to me like nothing was wrong. That you & I are okay. Who are we fooling? Except for each other, no one. I need to know that you want me to be in your life, even just as friends or whatever God has planned. I cant say that I will wait for you .. cause I dont know if I can.
June 5:
"Youre in my head like a song on the radio. Maybe I just gotta get next to you." So today is the third day of your contemplating. and Im guessing everything is going back and forth in your mind. but I think I made a choice. Maybe you can just stay on my mind and out of my heart.
June 8:
Why did he say that to you? since when did he start to care or defend me like that? but Im glad you want to ignore to him. Im glad that you'll fight for me. why is it that when you start to walk away I start to want you by my side? my feelings always change; lets wait and see where this love goes.
June 9:
I hope you liked it. :] but .. Im starting to feel like you dont even want to talk to me anymore. but I hope you wont leave me. I wont be able to stay away from you. if he says something to you, please let me know. but wait, am I even worth the trouble? I want you to fight for me .. but you'd rather stick up for her anyways. so whats the point? is there even a point?

Well, today is June 17, obviously. And as an update, I havent had any success. :[ Hes been having the "best days of his life so far" because of her. Im happy and all, but doesnt it hurt everyone when they watch the one they love happy with somebody else? & no, they arent together .. but what are the chances? No one knows, but they sure have gotten closer. They feel the same way about each other, while I sit here. though I already feel that I lost him, she claims that I am part of her competition for him. clearly, shes winning. and she is one of my good friends & I dont want to ruin anything between the two of us. ... we've been through a problem like this before. well anyways, I still like you. & I still dont understand how I fell for you after you got over me. & I still dont understand why I didnt realize how amazing of a boyfriend you would have been or could have been. & I still dont understand how you got over me in what .. hours?! I've always had a hard time letting go of someone, but maybe I didnt mean as much. maybe I didnt count. Ugh. I always put myself down because of this situation, but I still manage to want you. I need you. Why did I just realize that? & why havent you realized that yet?

"I got time. If my time is spent waiting on you, then I got time."

Beginning.

I'll pour out my heart here. I hope you see it as a masterpiece, because no matter where my paint brush of a mind goes, it all leads back to you. Listen to the melodies of my words. Understand where my soul wishes to lurk. Appreciate my opinions and try looking through my telescope eyes. This is how it feels to be me. <3